So Much for Choices

First off, I apologize for my lack of posting over the past (almost) two weeks. I've been in a bit of a slump lately but I finally feel like getting things off my chest, so here it is.

Let's rewind back to last Tuesday, shall we?

I had my phone interview for the AR Analyst position and really thought it had gone well. I had prepared immensely beforehand and felt very confident in my responses to the questions asked by the hiring supervisor. I was told at the end of the interview that she just needed to speak with HR and would call me back later in the week to set up a time for an in-person interview. She also asked about my availability for the in-person interview so I had mentioned that my schedule was free for the remainder of the week and that I was looking foward to hearing from her soon. The only problem was, I never did hear back from her. I sent my obligatory "thank you" the following day and nadda. I know I should probably have called/emailed the hiring supervisor as a follow-up to see if the position had been filled and, if so, what areas she felt I could improve on to become a viable applicant in the future. However, given the current state of my job and the fact that I've been unsuccessful in finding a different job after a year of searching and numerous interviews, I just didn't have it in me. I just feel like throwing in the towel and giving up at this point. I feel so defeated.

Today, April 1st, is my first day back to work and I ironically feel like the world is playing a cruel trick on me. I hate it here and have been close to tears all day long.

Don't get me wrong, it was fabulous to see my immediate supervisor (who I am very close with) again, but the details that have surrounded the day have made even more miserable than I was before I left to go on leave. Not only have I been shipped off to the satellite campus without so much as compensation for my additional gas mileage, the courtesy of flexing my hours to compensate for the increased commute so that I could get home to relieve Abbey's sitter at the time we had previously agreed upon, or even a moderate raise to thank me for going out of my way, but I also found out that I was basically raked over the coals by my co-workers while on leave.

Essentially, I was blamed for several large issues in the office, namely with two of my program responsibilities - issues that have been around for years and that I had brought to my boss's attention several times in the past. When I had brought them up before, my remarks had fallen on deaf ears and no one wanted to deal with the apparant problems. Now all of a sudden, while I'm not there to constructively offer suggestions to remedy these issues as they were primarily my area of expertise in the office, they become the hot button topics of the century. To add insult to injury, I was told that a small handful of my co-workers were overly critical and "not very nice" in their opinions toward not only the issues at hand, but of me as well.

I feel shell-shocked.

I have always gone out of my way to be pleasant and compassionate to these co-workers, especially one in particular, and am very hurt by this. On top of that, I helped to train both of these individuals as I have far more experience in the field than either of them do. I keep telling myself that business is business and that I shouldn't feel so upset by their comments, but I can't help it. Considering the fact that I'm still struggling with leaving Abbey everyday and that I was already upset over my boss's ultimatium in respect to relocating to our satellite campus, I just feel extremely overwhelmed right now.

The kicker is that, while he's trying, Mike isn't nearly as sensitive of my feelings right now as I would hope he'd be given the circumstances. In summary, he feels that I need to "suck it up" and just write these co-workers off. While I agree that I have no other choice but to "suck it up" right now if I want to do what's best for my family and not lose my job, is it really that bad to hear some words of encouragement from him? It's hard enough to drag yourself to a job everyday and maintain a stoic exterior when all you want to do is sob like a baby.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm so sick of not having choices, at least not any good ones. I feel as if I simply have no control over my life right now.

I don't really have a sufficient conclusion for this post except to apologize for being a downer and airing my dirty laundry here. Only time will tell what happens from here and I can only hope that things will resolve themselves soon. Otherwise, I have no idea where that will leave me.