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Friday, May 14, 2010

My Friday Confession

I've had a lot on my mind lately, so I feel that hopefully this post will relieve some of the emotions I've been struggling with over the past few weeks. Flame me if you must. At this point, I honestly don't care.

To begin, I want to be pregnant again - NOW. I had the day off from work yesturday since my SIL flaked out in watching Abbey (again) in the afternoon when Mike went to work and I had the best day that I've had in quite a long time. Mike and I took Abbey for a follow-up appointment at Shriner's Hospital - it was for a potential hip click that her pedi noticed at 6 weeks, but it turns out that she is perfectly fine - and then I spent the rest of the day doing nothing but playing with and caring for my beautiful baby girl. I fully enjoyed every minute.

In the back of my mind, I could feel the nagging feelings of worry and stress regarding my current job situation and even began feeling physically sick at the thought of having to return to work this morning. My boss is WORSE than Meryl Streep's character in The Devil Wears Prada. To sum it up, she is very abusive and, unfortunately, I have a terrible HR office that couldn't care less about what is going on. I'm at the point where I'm planning to schedule an appointment with my doctor in order to obtain anti-anxiety meds just to make it through the workday.

While holding Abigail in my arms yesturday afternoon and watching her sleep, I found myself wishing and praying that I could do that with her everyday. I began resenting the fact that I have to be away from her for 8+ hours each day and that someone else, even though it's another family member, gets to spend more time with her than I, as her mother, do. I found myself desperately wanting to start TTC baby #2 as in NOW, not next year as Mike and I had talked about. I love Abbey so much and I've always known that the thing I want most out of life is to be a mom. I don't want to wait until next year. I don't even want to wait another month.

I'm at the point where all I want to be is a SAHM, at least until all of our kids are in school. Even then, I only want to work part-time at the most until they are all in high school. I feel like God has been trying to pull me in this direction for a few years now, but that due to my stubborness, I've chosen to ignore His calling. I fully realize that I have my degree and that I have student loan debt as a result. I understand that not using my degree is a waste. I get that. I just feel that perhaps the reason why I've been unsuccessful in finding a new job in the 2 years that I've been looking and the fact that I've put off getting my MBA and the approrpiate certifications for my career is that it's not meant for me. I'm meant to be a mommy first and foremost and everything else is supposed to come second in my life. I've done a lot of soul-searching over the past few months and I strongly believe that God has a different purpose for me than I had originally imagined.

The only thing holding me back from realizing this dream is ultimately our finances. I've worked the budget every way possible and I just can't make it work with me as SAHM. Even with me working part-time as I've proposed at work - and still haven't heard back about - it would be a stretch. Honestly, I still don't care.

There, I've said.

I don't care that we would struggle just to make ends meet. I don't. Yes, it is 100% selfish. It still feels good to get that off my chest.

Knowing everything that I posted about here today, Mike and I willingly had unprotected sex last night and there is a very good chance that I'm ovulating as we speak. I think we are both at the point where we know something has got to give and are both throwing our hands up in the air out of frustration. Can we afford to have another baby right now? Yes, but only if I work. Do we have the room in our home for another child? Well, yes, but it will be tight and we had originally planned on building an addition onto the house or moving before TTC #2. Can we afford for me to NOT bring in an income each month? Heck no.

Whew.

I think I need a drink.


3 comments:

Alicia

(((hugs)))

You have to do what is right for you. I wish you all the best.

Mrs. Dew

awe honey I'm sorry you are struggling with this decision. I am finding myself already having a hard time being a working mom and Kendall isn't even born yet. But like you we can't afford for me NOT to work, yet. I hope one day we can both get our dreams of being SAHMs!

Kristen

I could have written this post myself. I hate this internal struggle. But I love my little girl...she gets me through the day :)

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