I have a job interview lined up for tomorrow morning.
I know, shocking, right? It's not really something I expected. Ever since I quit my job in June to stay home with Abigail, I've been casually searching job websites and those for local "big name" companies in my area simply to keep my options open. I've always maintained that if the right job comes along at the right salary, I'd go back to work.
Truth be told, I've had mixed emotions about working and being stay-at-home mom from the get go, although I'm sure you've caught on to that by now. Even though I greatly enjoy being home, I don't think those feelings have ever left me. I always feel so torn on what it is I truly want to do. There are days when I'm having so much fun with Abbey that I can't imagine working again for a very long time. Then there are those days where I've been up all night, she won't nap, and she's running me ragged. When those days strike, I find myself daydreaming about being back at work and catching somewhat of a breather from the tedium child rearing.
I know what you're thinking; I just need a break, not a complete lifestyle overhaul (again). I've made that proposition to myself several times only to continue feeling just as confused as ever. I'll admit that part of the issue is guilt. I feel guilty getting to stay home with Abbey while Mike is working ungodly hours seven days a week to provide for our family, even though he insists that he enjoys being the provider and doesn't mind it one bit. I feel guilty that we're paying on a student loan of mine for a degree that I'm not using. I feel exasperated to have worked full-time while going to school full-time for years only to decide later that, nah, I'm just going to be a mommy now and I'll go back to work "someday". I also feel more blessed than ever that I've even been given this opportunity to SAH when I never thought it would be an option for me. That just starts the cycle of guilt all over again since then I feel that I'm not truly appreciating that blessing to it's fullest at times.
All guilt aside, I'm actually really excited for the interview. It's for an administrative position in the executive offices of the best hospital in the area. In fact, I would report directly to the President of the hospital and would interact with the Board of Directors on a regular basis. The benefits are awesome and the position would pay about $6K more per year to start than my previous job. Since we're so used to living on one income now, we'd plan on continuing to do so while using my salary to become debt free (house and all) within the next few years and beefing up our bank accounts which have, admittedly, taken quite a hit this year between my unpaid maternity leave and overall loss of income. The negatives, however, would include putting off TTC #2 for the next year until I would be eligible for FMLA again and we'd obviously have to make the decision to put Abigail in daycare at least part-time (my retired MIL has offered to watch her full-time if I were to go back to work, but I'm not sure that will work for various reasons. I also don't really know how serious she was.)
I'm trying hard not to overthink this until I know the outcome of my interview, but it's proving to be somewhat difficult. I'm a chronic worrier; it's just who I am. I suppose all I can really do for now is to continue praying for guidance. God has never steered me wrong before and I have faith that he'll continue to lead me on the correct path in the future. So here I am, letting go of the wheel - and hoping I don't crash.
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